Why??

I should not have lost temper. But i did it again. But there was a reason for it.
I could not handle when she lied to me on something. It hurt me. I could not digest it. I lost my way. She could have easily told me the truth, i would have left without
complaining to anyone. But lie nfrom her, i can never digest. I am down and out
now. I dunno what to do. I am seriously hurt. I cant do anything even if i wanted to. Sitting here like a numb person. I know it was my expectations which hurt me and not her. It was not something else. I know i would be ignored no matter however she tries to convince me. I should have known that earlier as well. But heart is so soft mild that it believes things which it wants its way to be happening. Very seldom real mind has a role here. Everytime it is the heart who is ruling ot the brain which is causing my downfall. I really hate leaving her. Infact i can't even think of doing that now. But again the way i am getting hurt is no thelping me either. This is a very big dilemma. No wonder why people crack under this kind of pressure. I should have never met her. That's the biggest mistake i did in this. I don't know it was a coincidence but i was the one who initiated the conversation with her. She never asked me to do so. So its fair enough that i take all the pain. Even if she was lying i shudnt have been rude to her. She was sick yesterday. I didnt even take care of it. I think if i can ever take control of emotion regarding the fact that she will not be mine i can get over her. I will find a quote myself to over come that. This is the final time EVER i will be pissed off with her
no matter even if she does something which HURTS me. EVER EVER EVER i will not hurt her anymore. Never again, Ever. And when feel like you would be pissed off just remember these words,"IT IS HER HAPPINESS THAT'S IMPORTANT AND NOT MINE". She be happy with whatever she is doing would be the things that can happen. No more complaints , no more demands..!!!!i love you still.

Words from the heart

In my garden of memory

only one flower is potrayed.

Whereever i turn i meet that face,

that picture in the walls of my memory.

even in my sleep, in my awaken state

i see only one dream, i have only one sorrow.

The shining stars in the sky at night

reminds me of your lovely eyes.

I wrote you in the leaves and flowers

like the shine of the sun.

you came in like a cloud in my valley.

You consoled me like music in my soul.

You stayed like a flame in the lamp of my heart.

You are the intone that my soul was searching for centuries.

You petrified me with your dazzling phenomenon.

I am the pigeon which is following your remarkable footsteps

to have a little sand which your footsteps left behind

to cherish for a lifetime.

Please don't ever let that footsteps disappear.

Comic idiot is the name

Well the name atleast has got its worth. Comic idiot will always remain so. The name was worth atleast by today. I got to know where i stand. All those hope i had has gone out of the window. The thing i feared just did happen. I dunno why i misbehaved. I can never be the same again.I hope she is just alright and be happy. I can never be with the same anymore with her. I hate being myself nowadays. I don't know what to do. I am really pissed off with all this. I knew it was gonna hurt. Once the night unfolded i knew how it was gonna fare off. And it has turned the same way as well. So what next, As i said try to forget everything. I know its not gonna be easy almost impossible. But i hope it should not be at all.

The Enigma called her

She is hurt. I dunno if she herself is responsible for it or someone else. But she is hurt. She feels she has been tortured all these years. But i tend to think differently, how can one judge parents just coz they are not like u. How can you think parents have no love for you. It's true that every parent wants their child to be good in life. But that "goodness" will have different meaning in each of them's book. They might not be like how the child wants. This can irritate the child. I purely believe this is just a misunderstanding here. Why dosen't she feel her parents dosen't like her. Is it because they wanted her to live the life they chose for her? or because she thinks her siblings are given more importance than her? or is it something like they have always been harsh to her and spanked her in front of everybody? There are answers for all these questions even if one of them proved to be a reason. ok, Regarding first one, you should be lucky to have parents who put child's ambitions and tastes ahead of their way of living the life. Those kind will be one in 100's. Most are like that. But again you have to understand that they think you would lead a happy life if you live the same success formula like them. That does not mean they hate you. Regarding the second point, Here again that sibling thing is kind of an overrated thingy. Because eventhough parents are bound to be equal to their children there would be that slant towards one over another. But again that does not mean they hate you. Ok, now to the third point, Being harsh. Yes, there has been times i felt my parents were being really harsh to me. I felt like quiting house. But understood with the nick of time that those were pointless thoughts. Because there would be times they would be harsh to you for eg: relating this to the first point i made ie they being selfish. Like thay can be harsh if don't pursue their way of living. That woould make you feel they hate you. But you will know the real them when you are in strife which they can understand or guage. Trust me you will be fine with them than being without them.

Last 3 days!!

Last 3 days have been eventful.I had a great time on saturday night with her. But Sunday
was gloomy. I didn't know what to say. Finally decided to quit the call. I think
maybe because of that she did call me very late yesterday night. I waited a long time and went to
sleep. She called at that time. And after sometime when i came back from sleep she did not respond to my messages. I
did not want to call her because you never know when she might be talking with her mom or dad. I did not
want to ruin her time. I was disappointed that i could not to her. I could not even sleep
properly. The feeling of not being able to talk to her and make her happy and see her laugh
was haunting me like hell. I had already promised myself i would never ever hurt her again. No matter
however she ignores me. I ignored every others for talking with her. Even my work sometimes.
I know that is not right. But i don't think there is anything more important to me than her happiness.
I am her greatest lover or i hope i am. The pain of she ignoring me does hurt
sometimes but i don't care about it. She ignores me because she might have found soemthing else which
might be making her happy. And my goal is nothing else otherthan seeing her happy.
Saturday night was really good. I saw many times her laughing. And it was one of the pleasant moments of my life if not
the best. I am losing myself. I don't know what will happen when she goes away. I will
surely restrain myself from doing anything harm. I hope so. I will still live like this.
Remembering all these wonderful times i spent with her. I think she kinda knows i like
her. Atleast she has a doubt. She keep questioning me for that. But i dont want to give away.
I know it will be very difficult for her to choose me. So i don't want to trouble her
with that sort of a dilemma. It will stay as it is and me as well.

Play still going on!!

The play is just going on as always. Whenever she says playfully you are singing for me
i denies. I just didn't give up. I wanted to, But i could not. She is a fantastic girl
and that idiot is bugging her still. I don't know how to react to that. I am pretty sure
one day they will unite again and i will have my way out. That is the mindset. Once
we get something more precious than the one we have, We will ignore the older one.
I talked her also about it when she said she will never ignore anyone. The fact of the matter
is everyone does. She also did to me as well. That was one of the most horiffying days of my life.
Which is why i wanted to stay away from her for a while. But i can't, i just can't.
I know i am gonna get hurt in this game but i still don't want to miss the days with her. Its so precious. When she asked me to marry her ie kidding ofcourse, i dunno for a moment i thought "wow how nice it would have been if she had asked me that in real". Well i know anyhow where i stay with her. Her dialogue of i have better one to patao says it all about me for her. But still i will love her forever and will be her greatest love ever. I know she will never get to know about it. But loving someone dosen't mean you have to be with them. You just have to know they are doing good and happy all their life. Its about making them happy. Its about helping when they are in misery. Its about watching them enjoy in joy. She will never know all my songs was for her. I deny all her talks about me and her and i dunno why maybe to help myself counter the pain which am gonna have once she goes away which is inevitable. She clearly said she wanted a guy upto 24.It was funny when she said it. But did make sense as well. Its always her choice and her wish which should prosper. I tried to like someone else. But both did nto work out for me. i just couldn't, this was the girl who is for me even if she is not with me, i will still have her in my mind and nothing soothens my mind better.Shes the one girl i could ever love in this world. I feel like crying like a small boy now. But i can'y i am old. And old peopleshould not cry even if their dreams are shattered. Dumb logic this is, i know. Hmm..hopefully everything goes good for her.

What is love?

Love is an eternal feeling that every human will encounter at least once in his/her life. Love can give you both amazing happiness and unending pain. To which part of this you belong will depend on your fate. But that pain still is sweet. And the happiness you get from it will stay with you life long. That feeling is just awesome. You will feel as if wind changed its direction and every part of breeze is coming towards you comforting you. You will never know you are between thousands and still feel alone.

Special Moments

There are a lot of golden moments to list out from her for me. It is a great way to remember those wonderful times.

1) The day i met her first in the chat room. I was wondering who this girl is. She never really cared about anyone else in the chat room or she pretended herself not to be. I don't know about that. But i loved that attitude.

2) The first time she asked talked to me. That was in the common chat room. /she asked about the ojho board if anyone had done it. She wanted to do it with her friends when she goes to college :-).

I replied that i had done it. That conversation was nice. The first ever i had with her. It felt good.

3) The first time i talked to her in PM. That was one awesome chat. I asked her picture. And she yes she would give and guess what gave a ghost picture. I was kind of fucked up then. But soon i just liked that response.

4) The second conversation was when i asked her whether i can add her in the messenger list. and she agreed :-). That's when had her on my list. It was the start of something amazing.

5) Love with first fonts. I dont know which color font she used but it was quite sweet. I somehow said in the chat room that i like her attitude and people in the chat room started calling it "Love with first fonts". Even the one who got in love with her after seeing her called it the same.

6) My attraction to her was way beyond just chat. Way beyond someone could imagine. Every time i had a chat with her i had this amazing feeling.

7) The day when we talked for over 7 hours in continuous stretch. This was one of the days that i could never forget. Each moment had it joy. I was falling into a dream land. I never could imagine what i was falling into.

8) This was when she was in India for i think around a month. I was really missing her. But i did not want to let her know that. But i could not wait a long while i just off messaged her. After couple of days i got a reply, "i am in India".

9) After that i was constantly in touch with her. We always had this playfight which was real fun. It always used to be me flirting and she denying my intentions. But one day for the first time she said "she was missing me". I was really happy then. That time she really missed her mom. Her mom was in India and she was like pissed off being alone i think. That time i understood i was in love with her.

10) I was an asshole i seldom messaged her first. It was her who did most times. I just did not wanted to give in. I really feel sorry for all those now :-(.

11) Her irfan pathan craze that time was famous. Loved it when she used to say she loved irfan pathan's curly hair during the 2004 india=pakistan series when he was the key performer for India.

12) I always missed her but i never told her i did. I should have at some point of time.

13) one day her younger bro came really late. she was alone. She got really tensed. I tried to console her. That time my love was just caught more intensity. That girl was really caring for the ones she loved. I wished for a moment if she had ever cared about me like that one day.

14) The day when i had sent her an off message saying, it feels consolation talking to her everytime. she was not online then. It was just off messages. I dunno if she had ever read that.

15) The moment when i had to leave for my work place. That was a very difficult time. I knew my access to internet would be limited. I wanted to ask ger no:. But i never did. I could not. I really missed her then for a long time :-(.

16) Things were never the same after this. This was the start of the decline. She was a different person when i actually met her afterwards. Not that she had changed her nature. But i was no longer the missed guy in her life anymore, which really pained me.

17) I had seen only pissed off only once at me. This was when we were talking about the mumbai attacks. And i apparently said something harsh which she didn't like. I could not sleep that night properly.

18) The first time she called me. Her voice was sweet. But she used to talk very fast and sometime i had to struggle to pick her up. That lasted for couple of times probably. Then it all ended. She never called me after that until recently.

19) This was the time when i first actually saw her. It was through picture.and she was beautiful.

20) The day when she spoke about her boy friend. I could believe it first and i did argue with her. But that was just the frustration of having lost her from my life. It still remains as a scar in my mind.

21) We were never the same. I don't know who really changed. I felt as if i was constantly being ignored. Which was again probably the frustration. But it was never like it used to be before. And it had made me angry many times but it was all because of knowing the fact that she is no more mine.

22) The one which really hurt me most was when i called her on her B'day at around 12 o clock her time. I waited without sleep to call her eventhough i had office the next day. But she never picked up the call. After sometime she msgd back. I was really hurt then. I could get the extent of denial only then.

23) I was really hurt. I came as invisible sometimes inorder to stay away from her. If i come online we would talk which would again give me more pain. I deleted her from the orkut account.

I did wanted to have anything which would remind me of her. Sometime i just did not came online for weeks just to forget get. But each time when i come and see her online. I was being lured to her.

24) The moment when i told her that i was infatuated of her. I still didnt tell her i really loved her to the core. But as expected nothing happened. She never love me. That's the truth not even 1% of my love to her. I realized it then.

24) The time she asked me to come to her native place. That was awesome. I still don't know if she was joking then.

25) she called again after one year gap :D. It was so good to hear her. Eventhough it took my assholish behaviour to make that happen.

26) When she said she had the best moments of her life when she was with her ex boy friend for about 2 months. I knew then she was not happy somehow. I wanted to give back her that happiness. eventhough it was not me still i would want her to be happy whole life. Goshhh i love her...

27) The tragic morning when she said some other guy proposed her. She told this to me saying that i was her best friend. i could not find an answer to it. I could not say anything more to her. But i got back to my position again and acted normally.

28) Every moment when she said she missed me.

The Dual Personality act!!!

I don't know how long this will go. This dual personality act. Acting as friend while loving her. This has been a very bad day. I didn't sleep for 24 hours now. I never slept at night. I was waiting for her to come back online till 4'o clock in the morning today. And i was not disappointed. She came finally. I was so happy. So very happy to talk to her again. Its like letters she spills out just hits my ears. I just can't put the joy in words. Something beyond extreme. But who knew i was in for a shock. she had another proposal. Well i didn't know how to react. I had made up my mind to make her happy to bring back her true love. But again my weak heart just showed up when she said that. I did not know what to say at first. I was short of words. I was stunned. But i quickly re-gathered myself. I did not want her to know i am stunned. I just quickly diverted the topic somehow. All i can say that, i am doing my role well in this story. It was always gonna end up like this. That fear would always haunt me. And it will come true one day. After she left, i just did not know what to do. I was in tears again. I was cursing god again for no reason instead of myself. That thought of she going away just stuck on my mind. No matter whatever i did to avoid it , it was haunting me. I could not sleep. My friend had booked tickets for a movie. The film was at 10 and i was in no mood to go. He kept calling me at 8 and finally came to my house. I had no other option to just go with him. But that just relieved me out. Even while watching the movie her thoughts were haunting my mind. The time when i am alone is the most difficult part. I just can't get over her. She is everywhere. God help me please!!!!

Why do i love her?

There are lots of reasons why i would do that. But first and foremost would be her as person. She is a very nice human being. She has affection for her loved ones. An instance is, One time her mother was away from home. She always used to say when mom goes she will love it because there are no restrictions in the house. She is in total control. One day she pinged me and said. she missed her mother. She was upset and virtually crying. I did not know how to console her. I was really pained with her mood. I did not want her crying. And her concern for her brother is just the same. She is always worried about him being involved in a bad company and would do smoking. One night her brother was out with his friends and she was alone at home. And she was really scared. I could sense it long way away from her. she was worried that he got into some issue as he had a bad company of friends. But he was safe back home. And she was happy :-). I could sense that also. She was this unusual kind. She always ridicules you. Provide you some challenges everytime. I just love this about her. More over she was multi talented. I wanted to appreciate it but i never could. She asked me to go to her place. She was actually being funny i thought but she was not. She was sincerely trying to find a job for me there. I wanted to go also. But i always lied to her saying i wanted to make more money which was never the case. It was a glimpse of her i wanted. Just to see her at least once in my life. I had always acted with her making her believe that i wanted only money nothing else :-). In a way i am cheating her. Pretending to be her friend and loving her. But again this love i will take back for her happiness. Now my goal is to find that guy. I want to ask him why did he ditch this lovely girl. I want to make him realize he is the true love in her life. I hope god will help me in doing that.

Unconditional love!!!

The very first day i saw her in the chat room, i realized she was weird. She had an attitude which was different. An attitude which never cared of what others would think. She was randomly saying something in chat room and never really was actively involved in the general chat. Some mockers would mock her on something and she would always give a harsh answer which gave me the impression that she never ever cared what they had said. I was impressed. That's one

attitude girl. I still had my thoughts on whether to have an pm on her but restrained and it was not for long. One day i decided to ping her and i did. The response was friendly eventhough a bit of "never cared attitude" also with her. I asked her the picture,Ps: that was the first thing i do when i get into chat with girls those times and thought it was only for fun. she said, "yes fine". And she started to sent me a picture and i thought this was more easier than i thought and to my surprise there cam a picture of the ghost.I was kinda stunned but i liked it. The attitude

was evident there. Well i thought of asking to add her in my messenger list.But was reluctant to ask that straight away thinking that would give another opportunity to shine on it :-). The other guys in chat in the chat room would say, she was being kiddy or too kiddish. But i had my thoughts. This was some other kind of specimen i was looking at. And again i had a chat with her after some days. It was good. And this time i was able to add her to my list. She was

naughty and when i say naughty, very naughty indeed. But she was good. A big fan of Irfan Pathan, the cricketer. She would say she was the greatest fan of him eventhough i was sure she wasn't. And she was a quite a big fan of "cute" boys. I would always ask her to show her pic and she used to do the same thing of sending the ghost picture. But still it was fun. She ahd this genuine love for vampires probably inspired by the twilight movie. She loved Robert pattinson. And she does great music too. Truly gifted. But i was still curious in that early days of knowing who was on the other side whom you regularly talk with. But that just vanished away soon. After talking with her more and almost daily there was never need of any picture. She was becoming my best buddy altogether. And i slightly began to see a different girl. Something which was hidden behind that grumpy attitude which she shows off. She was caring and ofcourse naughty. Some where along the line i felt in love with her for the first time in my life. I never wanted to see her thinking that if she is beautiful someone would take her away from me. That would ruin my confidence. I was first thinking of infatuation. But how long can an infatuation stay. I realized it wasn't. There were few girls in my life whom i had pretented to be in love. But there was nothing matching this. None could really stole my sleep like how she did. She was amazingly talented in everything. Finally I got what i wanted from her. But she was way beyond me. She was gorgeous. The moment i saw her i realized that, i aM GONNA END UP IN TEARS.

which is what has happenend. And when she told me the first the time that she was on love with another guy, i was really pained. And somehow strangely i began to act weird because i did not wanted to believe it myself. So i started arguing with her saying that she was lying to me. But apparently she was not which i realized later. I did not know how to react. Everytime when i realized that she was not going to be mine i had really acted weird with her. Probably expressing my disappointment. I realized i was not doing right. But again even when i controlled that thought just creeped in and i used to act weird. I would storm out of the chat saying her nothing. But poor girl never ever showed her dissent to me for that even though i was pretty sure she did got hurt at some point. i still used to stay long hours at night just to get a glimpse of her. I stayed up late at night and still behaved as if i don't care about her. I just told to myself to forget. So i would sometimes come invisible or just won't come online at all. But still her thoughts really haunted me. I deleted her from my orkut account. So it dosen't remind me of her. Orkut has this stupid updates which pops up everytime someone changes their profiles. If she was in my account, i would definitely go and see her account. And in turn it would make me go haywire again. And these things could not have lasted long because i loved her and i could not stay away from her long. I loved her unconditionally. I didnt know hot to go about it and i know there are things in life which u would love to have but u dont get. She was one of those kind in my life. whenever she says she missed me my heart bleeds i wanted to say her that i missed her more than my life but i could not. The feeling of the undeserved has always haunted my feelings towards her. But atleast i pray that god always make her happy. She told me once that the time she had spent with her BF was the happiest days of her life. It was only about 2 months but she loves him unconditiionally and mine is nothing in front of that. I hope she gets her boy friend back and she keeps being happy just like she was during the time with him. I want to help her do that. I wanted to talk to that guy and say how much she loved her. But she never allowed me to. But yes, one day i will find that guy and make him realize this is the girl his life needs. This is the girl who will make his life colorful. This is the girl who love him like eternity. I always wanted to make her happy but i was never able to do it. Maybe because i loved her. I am sure god will be hearing me. He will give her to me at least in next birth. I would wait for that. Wait unconditionally. Even now when she is online i want to talk to her but i could not. I waited this whole night like a mad man just to talk to her thinking she would come at some point. and when is in now, i just don't know how to talk. And yes i am indeed mad about her.